Originally published in Revia Volume 2, Issue 7 (January 1994)
Lots of people have complained that DiT wasn't up to the par
of other Nathan-Turner productions, such as The Twin Dilemma,
Paradise Towers, or Silver Nemesis. Some have gone so far
as to say it sucks. Well, it does. But, drawing upon John
Nathan-Turner and David Rodan's original scripts, I intend
to prove that no matter how badly the finished product turned
out, it looks like The Caves of Androzani in comparison to
the original, one episode version of DiT...
Elvis floated lazily on his throne of clouds, sipping a tropical
drink. He was enjoying the simple pleasures of his new life
as the White Guardian of Time- like watching his three mystical
television sets. "Hey, mommah! What in the name of Colonel
Tom Parker is that!?"
On the screens, storm clouds took the place of the WWF Main
Event that Elvis had been watching. An ominous figure holding
a black staff floated by on all three sets. "I am the
Dark Newsbringer!!!" the figure bellowed. Suddenly, the
mystic sets cut to a standard news broadcast.
"A terrible massacre occured today at the Olympics.
Disgruntled fast food celebrity Dave Thomas used a horde of
failed Wendy's mascots to either kill or capture everyone
in Lillehammer. A UN contingent was sent to retake the town,
but was repulsed by Thomas' heat barrier." The newsreader
flashed an inane grin.
Oblivious to a passing sponge, Elvis stared blankly at the
televisions. "So?"
The newsreader's grin widened. "He's got Letterman's
mom."
"Holy Penah Buttah an' Fry Banana! We've got a hunka
hunka burning hell here! Calling all Doctors! Calling all
Doctors!"
------
Dr. Who intercepted Elvis' message on Tardis' super-radio.
"Susie! Susie! Come quick, child!" he yelled.
Susie forgot about her game of hopscotch and ran over to
the colorfully tacky machine Dr. Who was studying. "What
is it, Grandfather?"
The elderly man turned to face Susie, eccentrically twitching
his moustache. "We must leave at once for Lillehammer!"
Placing his hand on Susie's shoulder, he stepped back and
tried to look dignified. "This could be my Greatest Adventure!!"
Susie clasped her hands and jumped up and down. "Oh,
goodie!!!"
------
As he reciever the King's summons inside his TARDIS, the
other Fourth Doctor shot a bored look back at Jimmy and Jenny.
"Ho-boy. Now we must break the heat barrier."
-------
Elvis peered at two of his TV screens and saw only Dr. Who
and the other Fourth Doctor. "Hey, mommah. I was callin'
ALL Doctors."
-------
The Ultimate Doctor was sleeping in his white lab coat and
Greenpeace t-shirt. "Should we wake him?" asked
Crystal. Jason stopped his shadow fencing and stared at her.
"Non!" he replied in his typical obnoxious French
accent.
------
Two TARDIS' and one Tardis materialised in Elvis' realm.
"That's all right, mommah!" Elvis clapped and cheered.
The first man to step out of his Tardis was a dotty, lovable
old professor. "Look, Susie! That's Elvis! He's America's
answer to Cliff Richards!"
"Hey, baby!" Elvis protested. "I'm better
n' that! I'm the King, mommah!"
The next to step out was a gloomy man with white hair and
a really bad velvet bow-tie. "I'm only here, mat, 'cause
Pertwee and Baker couldn't bother to make it." The depressing
man frowned.
"That's all right, mommah. What about the newest one?"
A dancing French swordsman and an annoyed nightclub singer
stepped out from the final TARDIS. "He's SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEPING!"
the smug Frenchman yelled.
"That just won't do, mommah!" Elvis pulled out
his guitar and played a riff from Viva Las Vegas. Suddenly,
the Ultimate Doctor appeared, fully awake and bemused.
"All right, mommah. You've got three minutes to save
Lillehammer from Dave Thomas."
The Ultimate Doctor rubbed the last of the sleep from his
eyes and stared at Elvis. "Who are you?"
"That's me!" Dr. Who laughed. Susie punched him
in the stomach.
Elvis quickly explained the situation....
--------
"What is the status of all important prisoners?"
Dave Thomas inquired.
Wendy looked up at her father. "Dave's Mom- injured
slightly. Tonya Harding- OK. Nancy Kerrigan- we've sentenced
her to the entire Barry Manilow collection, follwed by the
Bay City Rollers, and finished off with a blast of Up With
People."
"Good." Thomas rubbed his hands in satisfaction.
"I'd do anything for a Bacon Double-Cheeseburger. E-hee-hee-hee!"
-------
Dr. Who and little Susie materialised outside of the heat
barrier. "Grandfather, are we on Skaro?"
"No!" Dr. Who melodramatically declared. "We
face a far greater evil than the Daleks- we face... Dave Thomas!
Satan incarnate! We must hurry!" Dr. Who desperately
tried digging away the ground around that heat barrier in
hopes of tunneling under it and entering Lillehammer. Of course,
he only succeeded in scorching his hands off.
"Grandfather!"
Dr. Who exclaimed "It's fine! Stay back!" Dr. Who
put on his magical gloves, and, with a magical blue glow,
his hands were restored.
Little Susie was glad to see her grandfather all right, but
a question still lingered in her mind. "Why don't we
just get in Tardis and materialise on the other side of the
heat barrier, Grandfather?"
"That would not be a challenge for a scientist of my
callibre, Susie!" Dr. Who started looking around in the
snow. "I must invent... a super anti-heat-barrier laser!"
Susie was shocked. "But Grandfather, isn't that..."
Dr. Who finished Susie's sentence. "Dangerous! Yes,
Susie! But, do not fear! I am danger itself!" Dr. Who
had whipped up a super anti-heat-barrier laser in the few
seconds Susie was talking. Held firmly together by scotch
tape, the super anti-heat-barrier laser looked fearsome, yet
elegant. Dr. Who fired.
The laser beam was initially a fine blue line. It soon widened,
expanding its range of colors to all those seen in the rainbow.
It exploded, obliterating both the heat barrier and all those
standing nearby.
The cinder that was once Dr. Who floated in the air, surveying
the chaos his laser had caused. "Why the hell didn't
I listen to Susie?" The cinder vanished in a puff of
white smoke.
------
In that same white puff of smoke , the other Fourth Doctor
appeared. He proceeded to sit on the snow, ignoring the wreckage
and cinders.
Jenny walked over and tried pulling the Doctor up into a
standing position. "Doctor, Dr. Who sacrificed himself
to break through the heat barrier. Shouldn't we try to get
through and capture Dave Thomas?"
The Doctor's coat came off in Jenny's hands. "No. Jon
Pertwee should be here. I know that if he were here, or Tom
Baker had been cast, one of them would be here, but Pertwee
was busy and Baker hasn't been named as the new Doctor yet."
The Doctor ripped his coat back out of her hands and sat back
down. "They're the only ones who can stop Thomas."
-------- "The heat barrier has been destroyed!"
Wendy tried punching up the computer code for the heat barrier,
but the monitor just kept displaying "I love Big Macs"
over and over again.
Dave Thomas looked at the screen. "This is terrible!"
He raised his hand and brought hellfire upon Wendy. She screamed
and turned into a burnt salad. He tried figuring out how to
restore the heat barrier but his every attempt failed. Thomas'
face suddenly turned dark and frightening. He had slipped
free of his lovable old man facade and into his true form.
"I'll get you Doctor!" Dave Thomas, Satan, bellowed.
"Just like I got the Burger King, Mayor McCheese, and
all who defied me! You ate breakfast, didn't you?! E-hee-hee-hee!"
Walking over to the prisoner retention area/Wendy's Kidland,
Satan opened the door to the room that Nancy Kerrigan was
locked in. The torture system had reached the ninth degree:
Up with People's title track was now booming. "Now this
is my kind of music! E-hee-hee-hee. E-hee-hee-hee." Kerrigan's
eyes were glazed over, her mind a victim of the mind-numbingly
bad music Satan favoured, her resistance finally broken. "Uh-uhp
wid peepl." She mumbled weakly.
"You will make a perfect replecement for my late daughter-
err, salad. You faked an attack on yourself so that you would
becom an instant media celebrity, and I like that sort of
cold-hearted mercenary anything-for-a-buck personality. Now,
powered by the greatest music on earth, you shall become my
ultimate weapon against the Doctors. I dub you... MegaBUX!
Wendy's new spicy chicken is really good! E-hee-hee-hee! E-hee-hee-hee-hee!
E-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
-------
"Doctor, you've been a complete git ever since we escaped
from that theatre in London. We've got to save the world!"
Jimmy pleaded.
In the distance, Jenny heard a faint chanting. It was as
if someone was singing "Ad da cobra- cobra commander".
A chill ran up her spine. "Jimmy, do you hear that?"
Jimmy's face had shock etched upon it. "Oh, God. Not...
HIM Not .... Barry Manilow!?"
The other Fourth Doctor smiled for the first time in a long
time. "Oh, good. Now I can die a really painful death
and become Tom Baker."
Jenny cringed behind Jimmy. "No, it's worse than that!
It's that big-toothed pseudo-celebrity from the early Nineties
singing his songs!" She started screaming, her mind beginning
to break under the strain.
Jimmy rubbed his chin in confusion. "Fabio?"
Jenny screeched louder, "No, the figure skater!"
"S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night. S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night."
MegaBUX chanted monotonously. "Would you like to have
the TV-movie rights to my story? Can I endorse your products?"
The hair on the back of Jimmy's neck stood on end. "No!
Jesus, you got an owie on your bloody knee! Who gives a damn!?"
"Would like me to host your television show? May I attend
your theme park?" MegaBUX's attack was relentless.
Jimmy was holding his hands over his ears. "Quick, Jenny!
Get into the TARDIS! Bring out my ghetto-blaster!" Jenny
quickly retrieved the boom box and handed it over to Jimmy.
Immediately, Ned's Atomic Dustbin's own semi-punk version
of Saturday Night rocked the arctic wasteland. "Now we
can start fighting old pseudo-celeb on her own terms!"
MegaBUX halted her march, and was floored by a barrage of
Screeching Weasel, P.J. Harvey, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins
and, just when all the bad music had been forced out of her
system, a bit of Morrissey. MegaBUX committed suicide upon
hearing the whining Englishman's depressing tones.
"Is it wrong not to always be glad?" the other
Fourth Doctor asked. "Did I mention I cried?"
"You wanna be bloody Tom Baker so much?" Jimmy
smashed his ghetto-blaster over the other Fourth Doctor's
head.
The other Fourth Doctor just sat there, not regenerating
as Jimmy hoped he would. "He hurt me when he did that.
I cried. Is it wrong to cry?" He kept on talking to himself
as Jimmy and Jenny left together in the TARDIS. White smoke
enveloped both the time machine and the Doctor.
--------
"I have underestimated the Doctor." Satan scowled.
"He is indeed a formidable enemy. Only a villain of my
stature can hope to defeat him. In Wendy's new Fun Meals,
you can find Houch and Gouch Dinosaurs. E-hee-hee-hee!"
In a blaze of hellfire, Satan disappeared to where the other
Fourth Doctor had been.
--------
The TARDIS had landed a few hundred yards away from Satan's
headquarters, an innocuous Wendy's, flags flying proudly,
banners rustling in the wind. Only the fearsome volcano of
lost souls pouring into the heavens outside could betray the
dark secret within. The Ultimate Doctor is within the TARDIS,
calmly smoking weed and communing with nature (i.e. he was
on the john, er- pot). His winsome companions are without,
calmly evaluating the situation.
"Look, if you don't stop your damned fancing, I think
I will kill you, Jason!" Crystal said as she grabbed
Jason's sword.
"Wat iz zee mattair?" Jason continued his strange
thrusting motions. "Am I not ze world's greatest dancing
swordsman?"
Crystal pointed Jason's sword at his heart. "Look, I
don't care how great a swordsman you are, you're just an annoying
limp-wristed fop with an accent borowed from the Gabor sisters
as far as I'm concerned!"
Fear gripped Jason. He decided that he would stop his dancing,
if only for the moment. "End look who eez talking! A
nightclub zingair! Go back to Las Vegas, you tacky woman!
Gary Downie heemself taught me how to dance! And dance I shall!"
Just as Crystal was ready to stab Jason, the Ultimate Doctor
stumbled out of the TARDIS, trousers around his ankles. "Oh,
Doctor..." Crystal instantly hid the sword behind her
back. "Ah, we were just looking for you!"
"But Doctair! She tried to assassinate moi! I---"
Jason said, getting distracted by the location of the Ultimate
Doctor's trousers.
The Ultimate Doctor put his index finger up to Jason's mouth.
"That's all very well, but we've only got one minute
to defeat Dave Thomas! Come one!" He grabbed Crystal
and Jason by their hands and started running, losing his trousers
in the process.
The Ultimate Doctor halted just short of a blaze of hellfire.
Satan had arrived.
"Going somewhere? The restaurant's closed, but the drive-thru's
open! E-hee-hee-hee!" The evil burger creature waved
his arms, summoning the most hideous fast food mascots the
Ultimate Doctor had ever seen. They swayed menacingly from
surrounding rooftops and storefronts; some stumbled forward
to create a posse with their master, Dave 'Satan' Thomas.
All reeked of marketing disaster.
A fat man in a Hawaiian shirt stepped into view. He appeared
to be superimposed over a still photo of Satan. "Hello.
I'm John Nathan-Turner, the last- er, most recent producer
of Doctor Who. To raise money for the Childred in Need telethon,
we'd like to ask you call in for your choice of Coronation
Street extra to help the Ultimate Doctor out." JN-T gestured
to the screen behind him, which now displayed a rather large
black guy and a scrawny little white girl. "If you'd
like Dave Thomas to be hit over the head by Big Rick, dial
071 555-4590. If you favour little Ellie, dial 071 555-4561.
Each call costs 1.50 pounds, which goes directly into my pocket,
as does Gary Downie. Thank you."
--------
The following night, Noel Edmond's Toga party:
"Well, that was wacky, Bonnie. Thanks much. Now, as
you'll remember, the famous time and space traveller Doctor
Who was confronted by the evil Satan, masquerading as American
burger mogul Dave Thomas. You, the viewers, have decided that
Big Rick should k.o. Satan. Let's pick up where we left off.
Has anyone seen that keg...?"
-------
Big Rick dropped out of the sky and smashed Satan's head
in with his hammer. Just as mysteriously, he floated back
up into the heavens. The dead in Lillehammer were all revived
as Satan's spell was broken.
"So that was it then." the Ultimate Doctor mused.
"I don't get to fight any monsters, make any speeches,
or disappear. That's the end."
Elvis materialised. "Hey, little mommah! You're gonna
be all right!" He looked at Crystal. "Say, little
mommah! You can belt out a tune like a little songbird, can't
'cha? Know any of my music?"
Crystal smiled at the King. "'Suspisious Minds' sound
good to you?"
"That's all right, mommah!" Elvis tossed a custom-made
Les Paul to the Doctor. "You can play, can't 'cha?"
"Rock on!" The Ultime Doctor started playing perhaps
the cheesiest song in the King's long litany of cheesy songs.
Jason, of course, was ignoring his ex-companions. "Pah!
Ze seempiltons!" He noticed a white-haired, motherly
old lady behind him. "Est-ce tu?"
"I've noticed that you're the world's greatest singing
and dancing French swordsman ever. My son could use a fellow
like you on his popular television show."
"Really?" Jason was genuinely astonished. "Zo!
Zomeone finally notices my talent! I shall show zat silly
Time Lord and ze tacky lady! I will be on a truly popular
emission! Jason started dancing and fencing. He glanced back
at the woman, who was being filmed by a CBS cameraman. "Who
is your zon?"
In response to his question, the elderly woman turned to
te camera and said, "Hello, David..."
The End!
--------
Written by John Nathan-Turner & David Rodan
Novelised by Gregg Allinson
People Depicted in this Story (in order of appearance):
Elvis/The White Guardian: Himself
The Dark Newsbringer: The guy who's the black King on that
Navy 'chess' commercial
Newsreader: Chek Trousers
Dr. Who: Peter Cushing
Susie: Roberta Tovey
The Other Fourth Doctor: Trevor Martin
Jimmy: James Matthews
Jenny: Wendy Padbury
Crystal: Rebecca Thornhill
Jason: Graeme Smith
The Ultimate Doctor: David Banks
Wendy: Wendy Thomas
Dave Thomas/Satan: Himself ("You ate breakfast, didn't
you? E-hee-hee-hee!")
Nancy "MegaBUX" Kerrigan: Herself
Noel Edmunds: Himself
John Nathan-Turner: Itself
Big Rick: Fred "The Hammer" Williamson
Dave's Mom: Mrs. Letterman
|
