Originally published in Revia Volume 2, Issue 8 (March 1994)
When our highly-paid foreign correspondents in the UK (Joe
and Clyde, the janitors in TV Centre) told us that Steven
Spielberg was in the BBC offices talking to Alan Yentob, we
immediately jumped to the only sane conclusion: Spielberg
was going to take over the BBC and use it as an outlet for
all his crappy, failed TV series. Upon finding out from Clyde
that Spielberg was going to add Doctor Who to his little string
of incredibly expensive failures, we decided to take things
in our own hands. We booked a flight to California, armed
to the teeth, fully intending to make sure that Doctor Who
In Dino-Land would never get off the ground. Unfortunately,
we didn't either.
Eventually, armed with only a stale Twinkie, we rented a
U-Haul truck (it's Air-Conditioned) and began the long trek
to California. We called Spielberg's offices, planning to
make our Twinkie threat a reality, but found that he was in
Poland coordinating naked people. We decided not to inquire
further, leaving it to our imaginations. We laughed all the
way to the theme park.
As we entered the Universal Studios main gate, we joined
a just beginning tour. Luck provided us with none other than
Davros, Dalek Creator, as out tour guide. During his coffee
break he granted us an interview, and so he sat down and waited
for out first question...
Revia: The last we saw you, you were aboard the doomed Dalek
mothership hovering over 1963 Earth. How did you become a
tour guide here in California?
Davros: After I bailed out- I mean, strategically retreated-
I landed in America in a place called Anaheim. As I tried
frantically to contact my Daleks, I slowly realised that they
couldn't hear me... I was obviously not shouting loud enough.
Like this, COME GET MEEE! (mothership swishes by overhead)
Aw, shit! Anyway, I decided that I would have to make a new
life for myself in Anaheim. A local potentate had recently
established a kingdom called 'Disney Land.' I offered my services
to Lord High Disney, offering to become his Minister of War.
I promised him that I would conquer all other amusement parks.
I promised him power and glory!
Revia: So, did Disney give you the position you wanted?
Davros: Weeeell, close. I was a street sweeper in Frontierland.
Revia: And exactly how long did you spend sweeping the streets
of Frontierland?
Davros: A couple decades.
Revia: WHAT!? Whatever happened to the burning ambition of
the insane genius Davros, who wanted to burn and pillage and
kill?
Davros: Well, I did take up a hobby: archery!
Revia: Uh-huh.
Davros: Bowling?
Revia: Don't believe you.
Davros: Juggling?
Revia: Hmmm. Did you ever progress beyond (ahem) street sweeping?
Davros: Yes! I became employed at Epcot Center as 'The Grill
of the Future.'
Revia: Oh. That explains the "Weber Rules" tattoo
on your forearm.
Davros: Yeah... (a passing tourist notices Davros and begins
to talk to him)
Kid: Hey! You're that famous sci-fi celebrity ...
Davros: A FAN! I told ya, they still love me! (gives the
kid a publicity photo and signs it with a flourish) Here you
are!
Kid: Wow! Wait till I tell my friends I met Professor X.
Davros: Hey! (grabs the photo and begins chasing the kid
around the courtyard)
Revia: Whoa... watch 'em go. (kid gets run over) Brutal!
(Davros backs over the kid a couple of times) Now THAT'S the
Davros we all know and love.
Davros: (rolling slowly back) Damn kids.
Revia: You're obviously not at Disney now... what happened?
Davros: Creative differences.
Revia: What kinds off creative differences can the 'Grill
of the Future' have with management?
Davros: I thought the 'Grill of the Future' should be able
to attack and kill small mammals.
Revia: I see.
Davros: So I left Disney, and was contacted by a British
toy company. They wished to craft a toy in my own image, and
with my usual genius and attention to detail, I created the
ultimate toy.
Revia: (pulling out little tiny Davros toy) Like this one?
Davros: The very one! Look at the detail, the expert painting!
All done single-handedly by me.
Revia: Davros, this toy has two arms. You have one arm.
Davros: You're a real pain in the ass, you know... and I
haven't had an ass for two hundred years!
Revia: It has two arms. You only have one.
Davros: I... I... Fuck you!
Revia: Now, now... After you finished making arms... I mean,
toys, where did you go?
Davros: I moved back to California and began to work as a
tour guide at Universal. I slowly began attracting a loyal
band of followers who would listen to my every word... You
call them trees, but I call them my comrades!
Revia: I see.
Davros: With these friends, I shall conquer the universe!
Revia: Do you really think that you and your friends can
do this? I think you're barking up the wrong tree.
Davros: What are you saying?
Revia: Have you considered some kind of insect as your invasion
force? They are, at least, mobile.
Davros: Actually, I did, but someone told me that the Beatles
had already invaded back in the Sixties... Gregg was his name,
I think.
Revia: I think you're a little under-equipped to conquer
the entire universe. You might just be able to conquer a Kwiki-Mart,
but that's about it.
Davros: Under-equipped? I am the superior being of the universe!
I will create a new race of Daleks, and together, we shall
conquer the universe!
Revia: Umm, you're only a tour guide, Davros, with an army
of trees. Very loyal trees, I'm sure, but just trees nevertheless.
Davros: Fine, just ruin my day! Just had to go and be pessimists,
didn't you? Well, I'll give you that. Maybe they are 'just
trees.' But I will win! I must win! This will become the supreme
tour of the universe! It shall crush all lesser tours. I will
lead it to its destiny! Better yet, I will create new DA-LEKS.
NEW DA-LEKS! TO DES-TROOY ALL WHO AT-TEMPT TO IN-TER-VIEW
MEEEE! (he quickly jabs at a control panel. A tiny little
Dalek rolls out of his mobil chair)
Mini-Dalek: EX-TRE-MIN-AAATE!!!! (a little flag with the
word 'BANG!' pops out of its raygun. It begins to roll around
in circles and explodes)
Revia: Uh... I think you're a couple Daleks short of an army,
if you know what I mean.
Davros: I WILL DES-TROY YOU AAALLL!! DES-TROY! EX-TER-MIN-AATTE!!
(he begins to punch buttons frantically. Circus music starts
begins playing, and he is surrounded by large bubbles)
Revia: I think we should leave now.
Davros: NOOO!! YOU WILL STAY TO BECOME DA-LEKS! DA-LEKS!!!!!
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