Articles & Writings
Your Guide to Shockeyes
by Jenny Oberth

Lisa Fetterman was lonely. She had just gone through a messy divorce and had long-since seen her kids move off to the coast. She was tired of the bar scene and was nearly resigned to spending the rest of her life alone. Yet she worried about coming home late at night to an empty house and, despite the horrors she endured during the divorce proceedings, she missed the security of coming home every night to Frank. But then a friend at work told her about the latest pet craze, and within a week she had brought home her very own Shockeye, named 'Bubbles'.

Shockeyes are an interesting species that had, until recently, never been considered in the 'pet' category. But times and tastes change, and now it seems that Shockeyes are everywhere. Animal shelters are worried that the Shockeye craze may be little more than a fad and that they'll be left with thousands of abandoned Shockeyes - something that not even the best shelter could cope with. Indeed, even Disney appears to be jumping on the Shockeye bandwagon; the studio allegedly has a film in the works titled 101 Shockeyes.

Whether the Shockeye craze will burn itself out or become a rival to the family dog or cat will only become known in the future. But the fact remains that many families are agonizing over whether to get a Shockeye or not. What follows is a guide to help you decide what Shockeye, if any, might be right for you.

Stray Shockeyes
If you should come across a homeless Shockeye, take great care in what you do. Do not rush into a foolish decision of adopting him. If you don't want to take him in, that should be fine. Avoid him. STAY AWAY! But if it's too late and he decides he wants you, your best bet is to throw food. Much like throwing fake keys to a would-be carjacker and taking off. However you must use real food - a Shockeye will know the difference before the food hits the ground. Throw it as far from you and as near him as possible and RUN! (Don't wait for anyone to say 'run' - just do it!)

If you don't care for other people, you can throw the food at an unsuspecting passerby. But I wouldn't recommend this as a common practice. It's unpleasant. And don't get clever and think you can get a person you don't like into this situation - Shockeyes are surprisingly agile. More people have had this plan backfire than work, and none have survived to tell the tale.

Wild Shockeyes
While Shockeyes were not originally indigenous to this area, their recent proliferation has meant that strays have now given birth to several generations in the wild. They are now easily found in most nature reserves, fighting each other over dumpster contents. If you should find yourself in the company of a wild Shockeye DO NOT FEED HIM! Chasing their wilderness prey has upped their metabolism way beyond that of their domesticated cousins. So unless you have a few trillion bucks to spend on consumables, do not take a wild Shockeye in. If you're going camping in an area known to have wild Shockeyes, you'd be better off taking a precautionary supply of chlorophyll.

The Domesticated Shockeye
If you decide to house a Shockeye, be warned. He will bite the hand that feeds him. And the arm. As well as the shoulder, and so on. Just keep in mind you cannot change him. He is who he is and you're little more than his food-provider. Attempts to change him are destined to fail. Buy your Shockeye a pet shock-collar and you'll find him using it to cook ants. Try teaching him to 'heel' and you'll lose your ankles. Take him to a pet-obedience class and you'll quickly learn that there's no difference to your Shockeye between a hot dog and a warm dog. Regardless of your attempts, a domesticated Shockeye will still be wild-at-heart.

The good news is that your Shockeye will probably leave you alone if you appear untasty. You should have very little fat. Acquire strong, tough muscles and so on. If your Shockeye tries to talk you into skipping an exercise session or eating more fatty foods - be very cautious. DO NOT listen! It's a good idea to exercise in front of him to reinforce your unedibleness. Don't let him hide your weights or break your treadmill or eat your gym membership. Be firm. (Literally.)

One nice thing about Shockeye ownership is that your Shockeye is not likely to chase cars, unless the cars have signs hanging out the window saying 'Pizza Delivery'.

Feeding Your Shockeye
Always have food on your person in case your Shockeye demands to be fed. Never get lost with your Shockeye, the food may run out for you, but it won't for him.

Always feed your Shockeye on time. It should be fairly simple keeping in mind he will always be hungry. Your schedule should look something like this: 12am - 12am: Feeding Time.

Never keep your Shockeye waiting for dinner. If you find yourself in the same house with a Shockeye while you're cooking, be extra careful. If you cut yourself, your Shockeye will run in offering assistance. DO NOT LET HIM APPROACH YOU! This is very important. You might want to install some sort of odor-masking exhaust system for your kitchen as well.

There are now companies that specifically create 'Shockeye food', but it's little more than a crass cashing-in on the Shockeye fad. No Shockeye worth his name will eat his food in kibbles and bits. He would much rather have something braised or twitching. Purina Shockeye Chow was the only commercial food our test Shockeye liked, and that he only used as seasoning on his Steak Dianne.

It is not a good idea to take your Shockeye out to eat. Not only will he embarrass you, disgust you, and leave you in debt, he will still demand dinner once you get home. Neither is it a good idea to show your Shockeye how to phone out for food delivery. If you do allow your Shockeye to order food, you may want to get some kind of bulk discount from your phone company. Also, if he orders, for example, Chinese food, make it clear to him that the delivery boy is not part of the meal.

Entertaining Your Shockeye
Unlike other pets, buying toys for your Shockeye to play with is a difficult task. A squeaky plastic pork chop is not likely to evoke anything but annoyance in your typical Shockeye. If you're lucky, it might cause him to laugh a bit before he lunges for your jugular.

It is possible to get a Shockeye to play a little, but only if you utilize real food. Dangling a side of beef on a stick can provide amusement, but be careful. If you bleed easily, you will only be able to tease your Shockeye a couple times before you become the side of beef's side dish.

Also note that you won't have much variety in conversation with your Shockeye. He will only talk of food and food-related issues. Often, things you say will be misinterpreted as having been about food, even when it's not. Example:

You say: Go fetch me my slippers and newspaper.

He hears: Braise me in a lemon-creme sauce and shove an apple in my gullet.

Shockeyes aren't known to enjoy watching video rentals, but they will tolerate it with a little ingenuity... and a perpetual supply of TV dinners. Please take care in selecting you movie. Your Shockeye undoubtedly drooled during the movie 'Alive'; never let him talk you into watching it together.

Celebrating holidays with your Shockeye sounds thoughtful enough, but it can be a hu-u-uge mistake. The Christmas tree will become a peppermint-garnished salad; you will become the Thanksgiving leftovers; it would take a forest fire to cook the Fourth of July barbecue that your Shockeye has in mind. And he will never- I repeat never - see the fun in you hiding Easter Eggs on him. Also, do not let your Shockeye fool you into thinking that there are special 'Shockeye holidays'. He thinks the Donner party is a celebration that should be reenacted annually. DO NOT host such a party!

Your Shockeye, Your Guardian
It'd be a good idea, and quite neighborly, to post a sign on your fence warning others that you have a Shockeye. This will deter any would-be burglars. For additional protection you should word your sign as such:

WARNING!
SHOCKEYE ON PREMISES!
IS NOT FED AFTER 10PM

Just be sure that you never actually make such a mistake. Just put it on the sign and no one will ever disturb you.

It might also help to have some visible evidence of your Shockeye to deter to burglar. Some owners like the idea of building their Shockeye a little Shockeye-house in the backyard. In fact this is a very good idea if you're new at owning Shockeyes, so long as you don't mind the stench of living next door to a mini hog-fat rendering plant.

Do not be naive in thinking you can acquire a Shockeye to take care of your rat problem. First of all, it is quite inhumane to the rat. Secondly, you may get rid of your rats but you will then have a Shockeye problem. If you do have a problem with rodents, it may be easier to just move. After all, you probably would have ended up moving from your Shockeye problem anyway.

Life With Shockeyes
Lisa Fretterman never had a rat problem, but a week after acquiring her shockeye she had a problem far worse than any a rat could bring. As she was telling her Shockeye about her divorce, she told Bubbles that men and women were like 'apples and oranges', piquing his curiosity. Fretterman's children will be back visiting the area next week; her memorial will be held next Tuesday at Toon Funeral Home in Tinley Park, IL..

Note: If you should happen across a blonde, curly-haired man in the most tasteless clothing searching for your Shockeye, hand over your Shockeye but HIDE YOUR CAYS!

Should You Buy a Shockeye?
YES!
Read through the list below to see if you're a good candidate for taking care of a Shockeye.
I am an Arnold Shwarzenegger Body Builder Type.
I am a frail-like, elderly person.
I have less fat than Olestra.
I have a serious chainmail fetish.
I find juggling knives while skiing down a cliff lined with land mines to be dull and boring.
I possess the Ring of Rassilon.
NO!
If you fit into this category, you should definitely reconsider adopting a Shockeye.
I have extra fat on my person - a quick grilling would make me into a nice appetizer.
I'm young and ripe for the plucking.
I eat a lot of garlic (I'm pre-seasoned!).
I'm clumsy and cannot run without falling over something (or, more often than not, nothing).
I own a restaurant in Seville.